I do not fear death

"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."

~ Mark Twain

A man

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."

~ Mark Twain

Well,

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

~George Carlin

Looks like

"Looks like what drives me crazy Don't have no effect on you- But I'm gonna keep on at it Till it drives you crazy, too."

- Langston Hughes

I've developed a new philosophy

I've developed a new philosophy...
only dread one day at a time.

- Charlie Brown

If you ever

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.


- Jack Handey

My mother loved children

"My mother loved children -
she would have given anything
if I had been one."

~ Groucho Marx

Mothers of teenagers

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

- Author Unknown

The most remarkable thing

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."

- Calvin Trillin

I want my children

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

There are 3 ways

There are 3 ways to get something done. The first is to ask mom, and the other two I can't remember, so I'm going to ask mom...

~unknown

I have

I have the heart of a small boy ...
and I keep it in a drawer at home.

~Robert Bloch

If you define

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

~Jack Handy

I adopted

'I adopted the old Navajo Indian trick of screaming and begging.'
Wisecracking in the face of adversity.

~Bob Hope

I would willingly

I would willingly stand at street corners, hat in hand, begging passers-by to drop their unused minutes into it.

~Bernard Berenson

All parts

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.

~IBM maintenance manual, 1925

I tell you

“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.”

~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

True terror

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”

~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr

Just because

“Just because some of us can read and write and do a little math, that doesn't mean we deserve to conquer the universe.”

~Kurt Vonnegut

Well,

Well, it is an unassailable fact that, as a recreational activity, mountain-climbing appears chiefly to lunatics, suicides, and the British.

~Riverworld, Samuel Clemens