If you are

If you are completely buried in an avalanche, dig a small hole around you and spit in it. The saliva will fall down, giving you an idea of which direction is up. Dig up.

- A survival tip from the "Worst Case Scenario" calendar

If a kid asks

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

-Jack Handey

Nobody

Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.

- Colonel Flagg

I've developed a new philosophy

I've developed a new philosophy...
only dread one day at a time.

- Charlie Brown

If you ever

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.


- Jack Handey

Ten men waiting

Ten men waiting for me at the door?
Send one home... I'm tired.

~Mae West

It's not

It's not the men in my life that count,
it's the life in my men.

~Mae West

When I'm good

When I'm good, I'm very good.
When I'm bad I'm better.

~Mae West

Show me

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

~Carl Jung

If

If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.

~Kurt Cobain

While I agree

Bill: While I agree that in time our band will be most triumphant. The truth is Wyld Stallions will never be a super band until we get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have descent instruments.
Ted: Well, how can we have descent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?
Bill: That is why we need Eddie Van Halen!
Ted: And, that is why we need a triumphant video!

~Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

Thanks to great leaders

Thanks to great leaders, such as Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic method . . . the world is full of history.

~Ted, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

It's true

Gimli: It's true you don't see many dwarf women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for dwarf men.
Aragorn: [whispering] It's the beards.
Gimli: And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no dwarf women, and that dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground!
[Eowyn laughs]
Gimli: Which is, of course, ridiculous.

~Gimli and Aragorn, Lord of the Rings

Cats are smarter

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

--Jeff Valdez

There is

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

-- Unknown

I won’t say ours was a tough school

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.

~unknown

If you’re too open-minded

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

~unknown

I went

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

~Jay Leno

Congratulations

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

~Yogi Berra

You should

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

~Yogi Berra